Alice

Epigraph

"If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck." – The duck test.

Friday evening

We are sitting with friends in a tavern, discussing my breakup with my ex. We have been doing this for a year now, such a good tradition has formed. Friends like to support me, then again, why not have a drink while doing so. I myself have long since calmed down and learned my lessons. They are simple: if you see a red flag in a relationship, remember it. You see him for the second time, or maximum for the third time, turn around and leave without looking back. I, as the last one endured, lost counting them. But that's in the past. I now recognize the manipulator by her gait, without even turning around.

But now I turned. I’m not the only one, my friends almost twisted their necks. She entered, and through the slightly opened door into the cafe, which I can no longer call a tavern, spring entered with the singing of birds and the smell of the first flowers. If a girl can strike a chord in the soul, then at that moment the piano exploded inside me, filling the place with all possible octaves and overtones.

You know, there is something subtly non-verbal in a person’s gaze, unmistakably read in the flickering of whites; thousands of years of evolution have taught us this. A gaze fixed motionlessly in one direction does not bode well for contact. Such a person is either not interested or is deeply immersed in his own thoughts, from which it is better not to drag him or her out. If the gaze is uncontrollably darting in all directions, this can mean anything, but not the desire for adequate socialization. It’s better for psychologists to talk about this; I’m just sharing my observations. Up close, face-to-face, we see the pupils directed at us or to the side, we evaluate how narrowed or dilated they are, what wrinkles form around the eyes. At a distance, this is the language of whites, thanks to it we determine the direction of gaze and subconsciously read emotions.

She calmly and without the slightest embarrassment looked at us, but not with that contemptuous look that young ladies often bestow on tipsy men. No, there was a special unjudgmental smile lurking at the corners of her mouth. So light, like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings, which doesn’t cause wrinkles. A similar one is kept in the Louvre behind bulletproof glass.

Sitting down at a free table in the middle of the quiet hall, the girl, half-turning to the audience with a smile, ordered coffee.

Imagine a typical girl in a cafe. She sits hunched over, ruining her eyes, plugging into her phone, pretending to be waiting for her friends. If the friends do come, the three of them are already glued to gadgets; they even came up with a term for this: phubbing. I'm not saying everyone is like that, just an observation. Maybe I just go to the wrong places. And in a cafe, if you are a man, you are perceived as a potential threat to long-lost innocence. I tried to go to exhibitions, but things are even worse there. You should go to exhibitions together. And if a girl says that she is on her own surrounded by paintings, then this is not your girl. This is one of those red flags that should not be ignored. You will need remarkable talent for an environmentally friendly breakup, but you won’t be able to reduce the probability of getting a bucket of slop on your head below 90%. After all, she spent a lot of personal time, allowing herself to be invited to restaurants and events. And time, as we know, is priceless. Not yours, of course.

But let's get back to our guest. Even if she has a phone, she doesn’t even take it out to check the time. She’s just sitting there, so incredibly beautiful, and enjoying the coffee, which, I must say, is quite good here. Pasha was the first to break down. Pasha is married, but among his friends he is considered a womanizer. Although it is believed, I think, based on his own stories. Pasha walked past her table on business, but not yet reaching it, he was rejected by a slight shake of her head from side to side. Even girls with not very good eyesight can be allergic to a man’s wedding ring.

It was late, the guys were getting ready to go home, they were on the subway, and I was on a five-minute walk. I need to decide. There is only one chance to make a first impression, and I always fail. Well, tell me honestly, how can an ordinary astronomer amaze a girl? That's what I'm talking about. You have to be born and raised as a Don Juan, having made thousands of mistakes on the way to perfection.

Having caught my breath and expelled the remnants of hops from my head, I pulled myself together, went up to her table and uttered the only nonsense possible in this situation:
“Approximately half of all the stars in our Galaxy belong to binary or multiple systems, and you are sitting here alone...“

She smiled warmly, as if she had been waiting for this very phrase all evening, and answered:
“Oh, so you are interested in astronomy?” Me too. By the way, I'm Alice.

At this point, I was usually expecting a question about what my zodiac sign was, but the joke didn’t happen. Getting to know each other turned out to be much easier than one might think.
– Igor. Yes, I am an astronomer, an endangered species these days.

A man is completely defenseless when a beautiful smiling girl looks into his eyes. I took a bottle of wine and we went to my place to look at Jupiter through the telescope. Just like that, we got up and went, without all these antics and ladylike things.

Jupiter is, of course, nonsense. Everyone knows what the sky is like in St. Petersburg. If you do not close the window in time, a careless cloud may fly in. We spent half the night chatting about all sorts of nonsense, quasars, neutron stars and primordial black holes. I don’t even want to think about where all these words could have come from in a pretty girl’s head, and not every adult, educated man will immediately answer you what the Eddington limit is. But Alice mentioned it herself and was completely appropriate.

New life

This morning I woke up to something rustling in the kitchen. A sound that I have long grown unaccustomed to. Coffee in bed, bacon and eggs. I mentally pinched myself. It was not a dream. Alice is real, she walks around in my shirt instead of a robe and chirps carefreely about something.

Without any further questions, the girl stayed with me. I have already forgotten what it is to be inseparable with someone. My ex was whining all the time, then I was breaking the distance, then I was creeping an extra millimeter into her personal space. This is another red flag. If the distance for you is no different from the distance for other strangers, then you are also a stranger. After this, self-development begins, trips to a psychologist and other rubbish. There is only one end: a bucket of slop. This is not the case with Alice. It’s as if she knows my thoughts and desires in advance. If I need to work, she doesn’t interfere with whims that I don’t devote time to her. People need to work sometimes. You know, astronomers no longer sit all night long peering into their telescopes, as they show in the movies. Such times are long gone. We work on computers with boring astronomical databases and various diagrams of spectra and luminosities. The fact that I have my own telescope is just an echo of a childhood hobby. You can't even discover a random comet with it.

I'm definitely happy. But there are some unknowns. All this fell on me like a lump of snow from the roof. I didn’t do anything for happiness, I didn’t do anything to deserve it. If I had been completely sober in the cafe then, I wouldn’t even have had the courage to approach the girl. I'm not even sure that I fundamentally love Alice, as it should be in Shakespeare. I value her above all else, I feel good with her, very good. But a whole piece of the relationship is missing, including uncontrollable love, courtship, flowers, sweets, doubts and sleepless nights full of torment. Everything that is replaced by true love in healthy people. I'm also not sure that Alice loves me in the full sense of the word. Yes, she plunged headlong into our union and does not even emerge to breathe. She is interested in what I do. Have you ever seen a girl who delves into the peculiarities of the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram? I didn’t see it, but Alice even has her own thoughts. She never once said that she loved me. All sorts of cute words and gestures - yes. She says almost nothing about herself. For every question about her past, a hundred will follow about me and the stars. Alice simply disappears into our common life, into me, as if she lacks her own identity. All this worries me.

The situation is completely opposite to what I had with my ex. She knew how to subconsciously, I want to believe, manipulate a man, causing him to need to show care and guardianship, because she is so unhappy and she got so much from bad people. And the more you care about a girl, the more feelings you develop for her. And this continues until you completely spend yourself in a relationship that the object of your care skillfully sabotages without giving anything in return. A casino effect arises when it seems to you that I’ll pay a little more attention, and then she will see the light and appreciate it. He won't appreciate it. There are people who are simply incapable of relationships, invariably turning them into destructive hell. I eventually clenched my teeth into a fist and broke out of them at great loss to myself.

With Alice it's the other way around. She doesn't need to be cared for. She works somewhere, by the way, I don’t know where, she wasn’t bragging. She makes good money. I don’t know how much, but I never asked for money. If I suggest taking a walk to the Tauride Garden, Alice doesn’t look for a reason and immediately starts getting dressed for the walk. I don't remember a single conflict. It would seem that you should live and be happy, but that doesn’t work this way.

Tauride Gardens

We were walking, holding hands, along the ponds, where couples in love often walk, when I heard a terrible wheezing “Alice...”. I've never seen anything like this before. A guy passing towards me widened his eyes at my girlfriend, his face turned white as snow, and he fell unconscious. Camera phones clicked, someone called a doctor, and a crowd gathered. I also took a photo, not sure why.

Alice said she had no idea who it was. There must be some kind of coincidence. The doctor arrived, the guy woke up, the mood for a walk disappeared, we went home. Alice says that she is often confused with someone, but never with her name. Personally, I don’t think that Alice has a very typical appearance.

New data has arrived from the Spektr-RG observatory. An X-ray source was found where it shouldn't be. I delved into my work, and Alice helped with interest. The story of the fainting guy faded into the background. Alice thinks that X-rays from cosmic voids are a sign of WIMPs annihilation at a considerable distance from us, thanks to which gamma radiation turned into X-rays. You know: expansion of space, Hubble's law. This thought captured us so much that I almost forgot about meeting my friends.

Friday night again

We don't discuss my ex anymore. Everyone is interested in Alice. I’m not a big fan of posting intimate details, so I told you about a guy from Tauride. Pasha became interested. He has a million acquaintances and connections, I sent him a photo, maybe he’ll find him. Pasha loves to play detective, but I am haunted by an inner voice that constantly whispers that something is wrong here.

Guys, married with grumpy wives (according to them), envy me like condemned criminals and are waiting for an invitation to the wedding.

Pasha

Pasha found that guy. It took a month, but Pasha is ready to break into pieces for his friends. The guy said he just made a mistake. Allegedly, the girl is like two peas in a pod, with whom he broke up for reasons that Kirill did not want to disclose, and she committed suicide by taking a lethal dose of drugs. The fact that her name was also Alice is simply an amazing coincidence.

I thought to myself that this is very similar to my Alice. She dissolves too much in her partner, and betrayal can kill her. At that moment, I finally felt a pang of tenderness. Alice doesn't need special care, she just needs to be together. And this is what I can and want to give her in abundance. And this is what I want for myself.

We continue to work on the idea of WIMPs. It seems interesting, but it is completely unclear how to test it. I never cease to be amazed at my friend’s erudition. The girl also understands art; she doesn’t need a guide. Standing in front of the painting “Moonlit Night on the Dnieper”, she told me the biography of Kuindzhi, whom she admires.

Crash

At night I woke up from a scream of horror. Alice huddled in a chair, holding the blanket in front of her as a shield. "Where I am? Who are you? What's going on here???" – she repeated in shock.

One cannot be prepared in advance for such sudden amnesia. I'm confused. It is best to remain lying down for now to visually pose less of a threat. “Alice, look at the nightstand next to you. There is a photo of us together. I'm not a kidnapper. We’ve been living together for two years, you’ve experienced memory loss, it will pass soon,” I said in the most friendly voice possible.

She looked at the photo for a minute and calmed down a little.

"Two years? Cool. I remember how just yesterday we were hanging out with Kiryusha at his house. Where is Kirill? Is he okay? Do you have anything to drink?"

I went cold. Kirill – such a double coincidence can no longer exist. This is the same Alice. Even her speech changed. And... She died!

Throwing on a robe, I poured us both cognac. After drinking, she winced, but somehow perked up. “Well, swill. Do you have anything to snack on?" I decided not to tell her the details from Pasha for now. I only said that she was a free person and could leave at any time (not to hold her by force). Although it makes the most sense to stay with me for now. I took her favorite Camembert with white mold out of the refrigerator. “What a disgusting thing!” - said Alice, but bit down.

Whether she died or not, we know this only from the words of a fainting guy with a dubious reputation. Alice decided to stay for now. She has nowhere to go. If we really have been together for two years, Kirill has long ago found himself another skirt. I agreed.

In a couple of days, the girl gained confidence in me. She has a peculiar late-teenage mentality, for this Alice I am something like a kind uncle. Of course, she should go to the doctor, but, according to her, she doesn’t want to go to the psychiatric hospital. So, everything is fine with physical health, nothing threatens life. But, of course, this cannot continue indefinitely. The outside world reminded of itself.

Alice, sitting comfortably in a chair, was looking at our photos on her phone when the call rang. “Work” was displayed on the screen. If you miss work for a week in a row, the service may be surprised. "What should I do?" – the girl panicked – “I don’t know what to say!” I resolutely took the phone and answered the call. The other end hesitated for a second, and a confident male voice said: “Igor Sergeevich, hello, this is Alisa’s curator Viktor Andreevich. She hasn't made herself known for a long time. Is she is all right?". Curious. They know me by my first name and patronymic, I thought and answered: “Alice is sick.” "Amnesia?" – the curator asked, not at all surprised, “I know that you are now hoping for the best, but in this situation you are powerless. I won’t rush you, when you are sure that the matter has reached a dead end, call me at any time.” Viktor Andreevich sent me his phone number. That is, they also have my number, very curious.

We spent a couple of weeks trying to regain memory. We walked to the same places, I commented on our photos. However, personality change plays a role. This Alice is not interested in stars and museums. “Boring,” she said. In the end, we gave up and I called a curator.

“Get dressed, I’m sending a car,” Viktor Andreevich answered without hesitation. Interestingly, they also have my address.

Curator

An ambulance with military license plates and closed windows arrived in half an hour. The accompanying officer asked me to turn off the phone and took it away, promising to give it back upon my return. The car took us to an underground garage of an apparently secret facility. We were greeted by a strong man with gray crew-cut hair in the uniform of a medical colonel. “Hello, Alisa, hello, Igor Sergeevich. I’m Viktor Andreevich, you can just call me Viktor,” he introduced himself. In response, I suggested calling myself Igor.

“Alice, please go with a nurse for examination, and I want to talk to you, Igor.” Alice smiled and left with the waiting nurse. She seemed to be familiar with the situation. The colonel and I took the elevator to his office.

“Have a seat. Tea or coffee?" - he asked. I asked for coffee. The colonel pressed a button on the intercom, and a few minutes later the adjutant brought a tray with a coffee pot, candied fruits and a milk jug full of hot milk.

“Alice,” Victor began his story, “is not quite an ordinary girl. You are both lucky and unlucky to have met her. People like her have been appearing on Earth for about a hundred years, as far as we have been able to trace the chronicles. She, and many others now being treated by services in other countries, are carriers of an extremely unusual mutation. You, Igor, are a man of science, so I will be frank with you. This mutation can be either a whim of evolution or a purposeful impact on humanity as a whole. It occurs mainly in women, and is extremely rare. We have not been able to detect it in animals, but it is more difficult with them, since animals do not exhibit behavioral patterns associated with it. You probably know that the bulk of human DNA is non-coding; it is not quite correctly called junk. The point mutations that occur in it usually do not affect the life of the organism in any way. But here we have a whole large sequence that resembles a retrovirus. However, we do not find it in databases of known viruses. And this sequence, with minor changes, is repeated in all carriers, including Alice. At the behavioral level, such a person turns into a strong empath who is completely involved in a relationship with his chosen one, whoever he is, sharing all his interests. Apparently, this is a manifestation of a reproduction strategy. It is beneficial for the gene to pass on its copies to descendants. It would be more accurate to say that a gene that fails to cope with this task simply disappears. Therefore, the more successful ones win. Chinese colleagues also report telepathic abilities, but we consider this an unhealthy fantasy. You will say that empathy is not the worst quality of a person, and you will be right. But this is the case if it sincerely comes from the heart, and is not dictated by an alien genetic fragment. As for sudden amnesia, it is likely a side effect of gross interference with the genome. The mutation occurs in one case per million, in itself it is not dangerous for the population, and is not inherited until two carriers meet. Our concern is that someone or something may be making changes to a person’s DNA, and other mutations may not be so harmless.”

I poured myself another cup of coffee to take a break. “Victor, in astronomy we are accustomed to looking everywhere for natural explanations for observed phenomena. I agree that a long sequence of codons could not have arisen randomly, much less repeated in many people. I believe you that it does not correspond to known terrestrial viruses. You've probably heard of the panspermia hypothesis. It, of course, remains unconfirmed, and it is doubtful that alien viruses or bacteria will survive a meeting with life already existing on the planet. However, a comet of sufficiently large size may well carry within itself biological or virus-like particles protected from cosmic radiation by thick ice. They will not be able to reproduce in earthly cells without having evolutionarily developed adaptations for this. But our immunity does not recognize them either, so nanoparticles have a chance to penetrate the cell and even integrate into the genome. You say about a hundred years. This corresponds to the Tunguska meteorite, which, apparently, was just a large comet. As it disintegrated in the atmosphere, it left behind a tail of dust, which could contain particles from another world that are still carried by the winds and settle on us. Again, a century ago, not a single laboratory on Earth could have created such a unique virus on its own. We have a purely natural phenomenon. As a bonus, if you manage to confirm the Tunguska nature, you will receive evidence of the transfer of compatible genetic material through outer space, for which a Nobel prize is awarded.”

The Colonel looked slightly taken aback. The military is accustomed to looking for the enemy among other people. He took a bottle of good cognac from the safe. Now Victor paused, collecting his thoughts.

“You know, Igor, we thought that we managed to stabilize Alice’s condition. After her suicide attempt, a lot of work was done on her. We even found a specific inhibitor that suppresses the expression of foreign genes. But she seems to have stopped taking it after meeting you, not wanting to be an ordinary person with ordinary empathy. It is possible that after therapy the memory will partially return, but you will have to babysit her like a child.”

I didn't doubt for a second. Despite my protests, the colonel assigned me to a military psychologist, who did not stand on ceremony with me. I would never have thought that a healthy person, which I consider myself to be, could mess up like this. It turns out I never got completely off the hook from my ex. Even leaving the manipulator alone, I continued to live with the feeling of guilt instilled in me and the relationship scenario imposed on me. For six months, while Alice was undergoing therapy, we worked on my self-esteem, which should be reflected in respect for the person with whom I was to “babysit”. It turns out that you can also take care in different ways. In a healthy relationship, care is shown as an equal to oneself. It would seem that everyone understands this in words, but in reality it usually comes out crookedly. He smiled tiredly at my stories about trying to talk to my ex. “An adequate conversation,” the psychologist answered, “is only possible with an adequate person. A manipulative sociopathic narcissist will simply drag you into his swamp, prove that it’s all your fault, and also force you to ask for forgiveness.”

Meanwhile, the Colonel was not idle. The military, through dummy accounts, hired a company that filtered several cubic kilometers of air. If only you knew what we breathe. From the dust obtained after the first filters, you can fashion bricks for a small house. But in the latter, made from airgel, those same virus-like particles containing the desired codon sequence were found. This does not prove the version with the Tunguska meteorite, but confirms the natural origin of the mutation. I was appointed as a freelancer and given a discovery bonus.

New Alice

It's not easy with her. The inhibitors do the job, and the girl no longer sees me as an unconditional authority. Memory is gradually returning, we go to museums again, but now she increasingly says where exactly she wants to go today. Sometimes he becomes self-absorbed and even snaps. The psychologist warned about this and bequeathed to stop the disrespectful attitude. It’s not easy to do this, knowing that with you is a person in whom two personalities are fighting, or even more. I have already learned from him to defend my boundaries and would have sent any inappropriate boorish person to the magical forest long ago. The colonel and the psychologist often visit us. I don’t know what’s more in this: scientific interest or friendly participation. Be that as it may, I feel a huge difference between this relationship and the one I had with my ex. I am not pressured by the feeling of guilt instilled in me, oh, these manipulators. But the burden of responsibility that I myself accepted weighs on me. I take care of a person who cannot even be called sick in my thoughts.

Once, after a quarrel out of nowhere, Alice said that she was behaving like an ungrateful boor and did not deserve a person like me. I know this topic by heart. It is assumed that at this moment the gentleman must show nobility, understand and forgive everything, thereby opening carte blanche for further antics. I wonder where she learned this? I had to think quickly. I calmly replied that such behavior does not correspond to my ideas about healthy, respectful relationships, and I do not hold anyone back. Alice flushed, threw her things into her bag and rushed off to the clinic.

Our psychologist arrived in the morning. After clarifying the details, he agreed that I had done absolutely the right thing. Alice arrived in tears and hysterics, but for her this was a valuable lesson. Any relationship, he said, inevitably includes an element of manipulation, and we need to be able to sense the line where it goes beyond the limits of common sense. His words encouraged me, but the cats are still scratching at my soul. The Guru said that I should not do anything. The initiative to restore relationships is taken by the one who harmed them, but is interested in them. Otherwise they will take it out on me. Another problem is that Alice doesn't have her own activity. For the past 10 years, since the Colonel took her in, she has simply been a prized guinea pig. Yes, she learned something along the way, like astronomy, but this was for herself. There were nurses, doctors, and, in general, a team at the clinic. Without society, a person socially degrades. Alice needs to go to work, the psychologist decided.

Finding a job for a girl who has never worked before is not an easy task. The colonel pulled his strings and got Alice a job as a teller at the bank. The work is not difficult, but nervous. The girl lasted a month, and then she howled and quit.

At this point I could no longer stand it and demanded a meeting with the colonel and a psychologist. It is impossible, I said, to so harshly break a person who has grown up under the influence of mutation since childhood. Alice is simply unable to adapt to the action of the inhibitor, it’s like a withdrawal syndrome. Your military methods may be good for the soldier on the battlefield, but he is a delicate creature, not adapted to such a sudden stress on the psyche. The inhibitor helps with sudden amnesia, but something needs to be done about the emotional swing. The doctors went to think it over.

I called Alice and invited her to talk. At first glance it was clear how much she had changed. She became haggard, that magical smile disappeared somewhere. The world was no longer kind to the girl, and I was part of this disgusting conspiracy. It’s not enough for her that party-goer Kirill, and here I am with my new principles. The colonel said that we would have to babysit, so we will babysit, but wisely. Military doctors have a different approach. If something needs to be done based on vital signs, it gets done. The task was completed successfully, there will be no more dangerous failures. As for the fact that the stool was knocked out from under the psyche’s feet, this is no longer a threat to life, figure it out yourself.

The rescue of drowning people is their own business. We took up the books. Alice delved into organic chemistry, which I quietly hate, and he began to work on the work of the brain. Here, too, there is no way without chemistry, but different neurotransmitters can be perceived as ready-made blocks, without delving into the subtleties. My beloved doesn’t seem to care what exactly she studies, as long as she absorbs knowledge. Unusual quality.

About a week later, I noticed a curious fact: for several days Alice had not had any hysterics or breakdowns, and life began to sparkle in her eyes. I can’t say that this is some kind of unique dynamic for me, because I have long noticed in myself something similar to inspiration after yet another penetration into the secrets of the universe, forgive me for the extra pathos. But Alice was transformed even externally, and when I unobtrusively asked her to tell me what new things she had learned, I listened to a whole lecture about some kind of autocatalysis and its possible role in the origin of life.

My book study of the brain was not so successful, but I learned that there is a dopamine reinforcement effect, in which the brain releases a special hormone in response to receiving new information. This little trickster stimulates us through a feeling of pleasure to search for knowledge.

It seems that Alice was military-fed for six months with heavy doses of a homemade inhibitor, which, as a side effect, critically reduced the production of dopamine or changed the sensitivity of its receptors. These neurotransmitters are the devil himself. But the fact is clear: natural dopamine reinforcement works. Even before that, I had the idea of giving her mood stabilizers, but why self-medicate if nature copes on its own.

Instead, we decided together to gradually reduce the dose of the inhibitor. I didn’t want to give it up completely, risking memory loss. Within a month it was halved. Alice is blooming and smelling again, I’m almost happy. Almost, because despite the fact that she feels good with me, she is grateful, but I don’t see any reciprocal feelings.

It was a mistake to tell Alice about neutrinos. We astronomers are very intrigued by this particle, to which ordinary matter is almost transparent. We are looking forward to the explosion of Betelgeuse, which should be preceded by a stream of neutrinos from the bowels of the dying star. Here I speak, a mysterious particle with an indeterminably low mass and a unique helicity. For some reason, it “rotates” only in one direction and breaks CP symmetry.

Supernova Alice

From that moment on, Alice took up physics. In a year, she studied everything that scientists had discovered over a hundred years, passed exams as an external student at the Polytechnic Institute, completed graduate school and began her dissertation on neutrinos. Dopamine reinforcement gave way to dopamine addiction. The girl no longer has time for me. Museums, concerts, walks, all this remains in some strange past. Formally we are friends. She can call as if nothing had happened and talk with delight about the promising search for the heavy superpartner of the neutrino. I assent, but this is not at all what I would like to hear.

Alice has a new boyfriend, to whom she devoted herself completely. And I matched this guy to her myself, his name is Science.

I myself was left alone again. My ex appeared on the horizon several times, and once we even met. Her song hasn't changed. No one appreciates it, they hurt you at work, the good old manipulation of a poor lamb that needs to be pitied and surrounded with care. In the fifth time, I won’t get involved in this story anymore.

I should take some kind of lesson for myself from these stories, but I can’t figure out what it would be...

All translated stories

Relatives
Cosmic Call
Alice

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